bad_ass_bitch (bad_ass_bitch) wrote,
bad_ass_bitch
bad_ass_bitch

i own says:

sup

wantherewant says:

hey you

i own says:

where are you going that you wont be back till wednesday?

wantherewant says:

not much. just tryin to be creative and logic simutaneoulsy. a bit on the difficult side

wantherewant says:

up the coast. got me some more aydp work with an all girls camp at alexandra headland

wantherewant says:

shall pay my tax bill back nicely

i own says:

oh well

wantherewant says:

oh well what?

i own says:

im off for 2 days and looking for somethin to do

wantherewant says:

what two days?

i own says:

monday tuesday

i own says:

from now

i own says:

tho i'll be going to ben soon i think

wantherewant says:

full of sleeps you are

wantherewant says:

you work this morn?

i own says:

yup

wantherewant says:

you workin wednesday night?

wantherewant says:

did you listen to the cd?

i own says:

yeah i think i work late wednesday, i remember it being good cos my last day off i could stay up cos i didnt have an early start next day

i own says:

not yet

wantherewant says:

hopeless. remind me not to give you ay more cd's cos you dont listen to them

i own says:

im still not clear on where i stand with you

wantherewant says:

what you mean?

i own says:

especially when it comes to sex

wantherewant says:

by 'where i stand with you', what do you mean exactly?

i own says:

what's the go?

wantherewant says:

to be honest i dont think i even know. but i do know i need you to smash me down. cos i know what i know, but i need my feeling sto know it too

i own says:

yeah see i dont know what that is supposed to mean either

wantherewant says:

i'm not putting up a sex ban really. what i'm doing is making sure any feelinsgi may have for you dont deepen. intsead go teh opposite way/

wantherewant says:

they lighten

wantherewant says:

put it this way. my reactions to things you have said and done and when i am with you just hangingor having sex, tell me that i am close to falling back in love with you, if not already there

wantherewant says:

sex you see, mostlt is not fucking to me. it is sex. it is more than a fuck. i am giving one of the only things i can actually give that are very much a part of me deeper

wantherewant says:

and when i have sex with you, or it has been this way lately, it hurts after.

wantherewant says:

cos i know i am feeling something deeper and it is not returned.

wantherewant says:

that is why it felt bad that last time

wantherewant says:

so if i am to have sex with you again, it needs to come back to 'fucking'

wantherewant says:

sex for pleasure sake

wantherewant says:

and in order for that to happen, one way anyway, i need you to tellme plainly that itis not returned and never will be

wantherewant says:

thatway what is in my head willalso begin to integrate in my emotions

wantherewant says:

and i can again have some semblance of distance

wantherewant says:

do youunderstand what i am doing?

i own says:

yes

i own says:

i like having sex with you, and sometimes i like hugging and snuggling after, but only if that's the mood im in and that's what i feel like, same as sometimes i prefer you to be on top or on your knees, and after sex 9 times out of 10 i feel closer to you, but i still know that a relationship is not what i want, i alread know that doest work, there is a strange sense of freedom that i feel after

i own says:

and during sex with you that has nothing to do with the freedom of having sex with others, its just a liberating feeling of having sex with someone i find sexy. whereas having sex with a girlfriend invokes a different feeling that in comparison doesnt seem as good.

wantherewant says:

i find that comment strange. why do you like having sex with me? why not go find someone else you find sexy? and is not an ex?

wantherewant says:

and i'm not sayingi wantto go out with you again. i'm just aying my feelings are running deeper than 'just freinds'

wantherewant says:

right now, i honestly do like the arrangemnet we have. it works well for us both, when we want it we ask, we enjoy each others company and we do it when we feel like it. it works well for both of us.

i own says:

because the thought of sex with someone i dont know, physically and to put it bluntly, possibly deased, that just seems kinda cheap cos i dont want to have sex with some slut

wantherewant says:

but having sex with an ex..... well it is easier and the feelinsg you have are compeletly echoed by me - its not something i want. but with an ex... shit stevem. i dont know how to turn off the tap.

wantherewant says:

let me turn it this way. go back a few years when you and gaynor broke up. your first. now put aside te feelinsg of the break up - te really yukky ones. if you and gaynor a few months down the track were to do what we are currentlydoing where do you think your feelinsg would have gone?

i own says:

you cant compare 2 different relationships, they are both completly different, its like you comparing you and us to you and chris

wantherewant says:

i know

wantherewant says:

im trying to distillit to its essnce of a first and the feleinsgattached tere

i own says:

plus the ammount of times me and gaynor broke up and got back together

wantherewant says:

(when you mentined me and chris i gotyuk shudders. funny that)

wantherewant says:

and why did you get back together with her?

i own says:

cos we were 16 and thought we were going to get married

wantherewant says:

ok

wantherewant says:

maybe you cant get what im trying to say

i own says:

as much as i hate explaining my other relationships me and gaynor were very young and thought we were very smart

i own says:

we were typical kids out of school thinking we knew everything and nothing would ever change

wantherewant says:

do you have a lingering feeling for her? beingyour first?

wantherewant says:

somthing that is more tan fond feelings - runs a little deeper?

i own says:

there will always be a place for her in my heart, but i could never want her again

i own says:

heidi, get over gaynor, i did years ago, its time you did too

wantherewant says:

no!

wantherewant says:

you are misisng my point

wantherewant says:

whatim trying to get at is this. you willalways have aplace in my heart. right now - it may change, but right now, i have feelings for ytou that run a little deeper than 'fond of'

wantherewant says:

and i see you on a regular basis which is cool

wantherewant says:

but we also have sex

wantherewant says:

which isn't just a 'fuck' for me

wantherewant says:

and taht combination of things has led me to where i now am

wantherewant says:

i was trying to see if you could possibly understand where i now am but i guess now

wantherewant says:

*not

wantherewant says:

it doesn't seem you have been heer

i own says:

i know what you mean, you just had to ask, but you just picked a bad example to try and relate it to

wantherewant says:

she was your first

wantherewant says:

youare my first

wantherewant says:

that is what i was comparing

wantherewant says:

i dont know what the enswer is to all this, im just trying a path that seems right for now

i own says:

i used to think my first would mean something really special until i'd had sex with others, sex is different with each person and its always a first

i own says:

same as a relationship

i own says:

kiss

i own says:

hug

i own says:

spanking

wantherewant says:

i like seeing you. i like having sex with you. i like hanging with you. there is something with you that is unique. i like laughing with you as i now am

wantherewant says:

and just sitting in silince

wantherewant says:

that is not somethingi can share iwth many

i own says:

i like watching telly with you, then getting to feel your boobies

wantherewant says:

i like eyinmg you off

i own says:

then watching more telly

wantherewant says:

indulginbg in my mind pictures

wantherewant says:

and then restriningmyself a littel so i build up my wn tension

wantherewant says:

i like wrestling with you

wantherewant says:

and i love playing with your penis

i own says:

i've never caught you eyeing me off, you must be sneaky

wantherewant says:

it s facisnates me no end

wantherewant says:

well i guess i must be then co si do it all the time

wantherewant says:

i do like eying you ff

wantherewant says:

yum

wantherewant says:

i love also liking your balls and rediscovering everytime the littel mole/freckle you have down teher

wantherewant says:

its kinda a little sexy surprise

i own says:

aww, my sexiest point and ive never seen it

wantherewant says:

i didn't think you had

i own says:

i'll have to take a photo and show people

wantherewant says:

its just so cute. freckles are cute and you have one down there

wantherewant says:

so its exy cute

wantherewant says:

*sexy

i own says:

eh? you like that? (i'll say as i show them) that's my balls

wantherewant says:

hehe

wantherewant says:

you do that

wantherewant says:

but all this aside - if i keep enjoying al these things and keep indulging in them - when will i ever get over you?

i own says:

i dont think a picture of my balls will make them want to lick me tho, probably not plan A when it comes to picking up

wantherewant says:

that isn'tfair to me or you

wantherewant says:

and i know if i keep indulging in that side of things, whe nyou get someone esle who will get to do them and i wont, i will hate them and wont be able to talk to you and this jeaolous feeling inside me will eat me all up

wantherewant says:

i dont wnat to be eaten from the inisde out

wantherewant says:

not like that anyway

wantherewant says:

i own says:

let me ask you something, and answer truthfully i wont be hurt and at the same time im not trying to get an ego boost, but do you think you could find someone better than me?

wantherewant says:

better is not a word i like

wantherewant says:

i was talking to vic last night about you

wantherewant says:

and she said when she imagined who i would be with it wasn't you. she imgained an outdoorsy type

wantherewant says:

and i must say that does very much appeal to me.

wantherewant says:

you steven...

i own says:

you know what i mean tho

wantherewant says:

you...

wantherewant says:

you are this spattering of things both whati want, and thinsg i never even considred. and also thinsg that are hard for me to take but manageable.

i own says:

i know very well what i am to girls i go out with, i know what the attraction is to them cos i am very aware of what boys are like and what girls are like

wantherewant says:

so what is the attrcaton?

wantherewant says:

*attraction

wantherewant says:

what are you to me?

i own says:

im fizzy drink

wantherewant says:

go on

wantherewant says:

or do you need some?

wantherewant says:

im still here

i own says:

i taste good and am somewhat addictive but sometimes the bubbles make your eyes water but the fizzy feeling i put in people makes the tears worthwile

wantherewant says:

nice metaphor

wantherewant says:

very apt

wantherewant says:

you are an addiction

wantherewant says:

and i think i should break it or else imam haveto go to rehab

wantherewant says:

but your also something esle

i own says:

i am also very aware that most people know they shouldnt be having fizzy cos it's "not reccomended"

wantherewant says:

haha. i dont think a person shoudl ever say taht about themselves. i remember when things got really tough and hurtful with us

wantherewant says:

andi was talking to mum

wantherewant says:

and seh said something that made sense

wantherewant says:

my uncle ed can be a person very hard to take. and really, i imagine he would eb hard to live with,

wantherewant says:

but my aunt dell she has and can.

wantherewant says:

and mum sia dsomething like this 'there are people out there that can take that. that dont really care. or they manage it. they are the people that match up' or somthing to that efftct

wantherewant says:

youmay not be 'recoommended drinking' to some - but for others, they have strong teeth, and do exercise, and in their spare time drink lots of water and balance it out

i own says:

so back to my question

wantherewant says:

the one wher eyou asked do i thinki could find someone better than you?

i own says:

yep

wantherewant says:

im not sure hey

wantherewant says:

but i dont have much of a choice

wantherewant says:

i wish i could verbalise what it is you are to me, but maybe it is better i cant

i own says:

you underestimate my understanding of people's feelings

wantherewant says:

so what is your understanding?

i own says:

you know the thing i admire about all my girlfriends

wantherewant says:

i think i could guess it but tell me

i own says:

the fact that they have been able to fight off their friends and family on a constant basis to defend me

i own says:

what did you think i was gunna say?

wantherewant says:

something to that effect but i would have worded it 'cos they put up with me'

i own says:

no i consider myself putting up with them, they are after all girls and they cry all the time

wantherewant says:

yeah i hate that

wantherewant says:

its worse when you gettired

i own says:

i dont think ive had a girlfriend who's parents and friends thought i was a good idea.

i own says:

something about the negative first impression i give

i own says:

but really im a treasure trove of fun

wantherewant says:

and that is the hard part

i own says:

you just have to find it

wantherewant says:

you have all these people saying things like 'you can d obetter' and you know that treasure trove

wantherewant says:

you know both sides and the godo side balances out the bad

wantherewant says:

makes it worth it

wantherewant says:

its just you donttalk about the godo side as much cos yor smiling too much

wantherewant says:

its only the bad when teh smile isn't there to keep the worsd in

wantherewant says:

and thats what everyone knows

i own says:

next girlfriend i have im just gunna embrace that and first meeting/dinner i have with her parents imma wear a shirt that says "I'M FUCKING YOUR DAUGHTER"

wantherewant says:

haha

wantherewant says:

great first start

wantherewant says:

parents and freind slike to meet the partner

i own says:

if there are more girls in the family i'll make it plural

wantherewant says:

it was always hard for mine co sit seemed like you didn't wantto meet them

i own says:

i didnt, cos we were together for like 3 weeks and 4 billion people wanted to throw me a "so you are gunna marry heidi" party

wantherewant says:

its just the way my contacts are

wantherewant says:

welcoming

i own says:

overbearing is the word i'd used

wantherewant says:

and probably sary. its why i tried not to push

wantherewant says:

*scary

wantherewant says:

i know the other metaphor for what you are!

i own says:

they werent scary, its just the attitude and agression of how "badly" they "needed" to meet me made me think they were losers straight away, and i knew they couldnt make a first impression on me that would make me forget that.

wantherewant says:

well that sucks

wantherewant says:

big time

wantherewant says:

but no matter

wantherewant says:

clean slate

i own says:

so i thought it best for the relationship that we didnnt meet cos my reaction to them would have gotten me in trouble with you and made the defending you had to do a fuck load harder

wantherewant says:

(it hurta littel sometime stho co si had no probs with your fam and friends and it didn't seem reciprocated. to say that)

i own says:

i never tried to force you to meet my friends, so you got the chance to be curious, i got it forced down my throat from day one

wantherewant says:

i didn't have to defend you steven. i only had to when i had ventedall this bad shit then got over it. its then i had to defend you. and that wa sthru mywon doing

wantherewant says:

yeah well i said sorry for all that stuff. mistakes made. just the way i am differnt to you. but i called claen slate and im sticking to it

wantherewant says:

now do you want to know what else you are?

i own says:

pepsi? the drink of champions?

wantherewant says:

no

i own says:

coke? the drink of champions?

wantherewant says:

your a poem. all bautiful and lyrical and something you can lost in. something taht defies logic and reason and time. it wraps you up and carries you with a warm feeling in your belly. and it makes you smile, frown, feel, when you remember it

wantherewant says:

you can be both dark ad light depenidng on your take - your perception, your angle

wantherewant says:

full of hidden meaning yet so claer

wantherewant says:

but i remember some very wise words too - 'never get so attached to a poem you forget truth that lacks lyricism'

wantherewant says:

let me share somthing i believe very strongly

wantherewant says:

this is what i believe. i believe that somewhere you and i share a connection. i look at all these thinsg atht have happened and things i feel in connection with you and - i dont know. its just this deep sense within me that you are something speacial to me. that you are meant to be in my life somehow. and im only just beginning to try and work that out.

wantherewant says:

you went from stranger, to someone i pecked, to someone who was there so unexpectedly, to mentor, to enemy, to closest freind to boyferind

i own says:

im an unending novilty

wantherewant says:

now i hav eto work backwards or make up a different picture

wantherewant says:

why must you do that?

i own says:

what?

i own says:

spell like ryan?

wantherewant says:

make yourself up into something that i would never consider you

wantherewant says:

make my words vulgar and hurtful

i own says:

i didnt do that

wantherewant says:

i am being honest here and you put yourself up as a 'novelty' something less than human

i own says:

i didnt think the word was that bad but i guess i was wrong

wantherewant says:

its like you dont thinki consider you for the persom you are

wantherewant says:

well if it was the first time you;d done it i wouldn't think so - but youdo it alot

i own says:

actually i think its more you over reacting to a throwaway statement

wantherewant says:

im not

wantherewant says:

im just sighing

wantherewant says:

*sigh*

i own says:

right then i'll shut up so you can say what you can finish

i own says:

telling me what im like, seeing as my opinion doesnt count in this one

wantherewant says:

now your over reacting

wantherewant says:

stop putting me in boxes you yourself jump into

wantherewant says:

im tellingyou my percetion of you you damn poem!

wantherewant says:

well one angle anyway

i own says:

haha, you're funny, im just saying you got angry at me for a way i described myself.

wantherewant says:

i've two questions for you

i own says:

i think that's a little obtuce, especially seeing as you turned it into this terrible thing that people should be stoned to death for doing

wantherewant says:

what?

wantherewant says:

what should people be stoned to death for?

wantherewant says:

putting themselves down?

i own says:

3 things just happened, you described me, i described myself, i got stoned to death for doing so

wantherewant says:

well i took it as twisting my words to put yourself down. and i did it cos you've doneit before on multiple occasions

i own says:

i dont see why you want to see it as putting myself down

wantherewant says:

cos you've doen it before

i own says:

well it wasnt all about you sorry, i was actually thinking about me when i described myself

wantherewant says:

i get that... *sigh* do you think ALL you are is a novelty

wantherewant says:

?

wantherewant says:

to whoever?

i own says:

no

i own says:

im a treasure trove

wantherewant says:

well then that is good

wantherewant says:

ahhaha

wantherewant says:

ag

wantherewant says:

indeded you are

wantherewant says:

butsome of the treasure is littel siny things that make you go ouchy

i own says:

that's not true, im more of a temple

wantherewant says:

go on

i own says:

you need to have played zelda to understand

wantherewant says:

i have

wantherewant says:

partly

i own says:

i'm a temple of light

wantherewant says:

no - you need to explain, my partly doesn;t cover that

wantherewant says:

man, when it got all tense before with lack of understanding, all i wanted todo was wrestle you. it would been fun

i own says:

where there is light, there is irrevocably shadow

wantherewant says:

did you just read that?

i own says:

no

i own says:

but i did just say it

wantherewant says:

nice phrasing

wantherewant says:

and your light is a treasure rtove

wantherewant says:

but guess what - so is your shadow

i own says:

and my shadow is unspoken

i own says:

hence, temple of light

wantherewant says:

i see

wantherewant says:

nice

wantherewant says:

i do think your shadow somethimes possess a lot of words tho

wantherewant says:

sometimes

i own says:

go on

wantherewant says:

i like the word irrevocably

wantherewant says:

very much so

wantherewant says:

your shadow doesn't just exist as an opposite as your light, it exists in it sown right. it too is very much an integral part of you and through your actions and words, but mostly actions cos your spoken worsd aren't the biggest, your shadow is as claer as your light

wantherewant says:

its voice can be very loud

wantherewant says:

light cannot exist without shadow as shadow cannot exist without light

wantherewant says:

they aren't wo seperate entities - they are one

wantherewant says:

just different shades of each other

i own says:

you had questions?

wantherewant says:

yes

wantherewant says:

1. seriuos question

i own says:

true

wantherewant says:

i asked before - so how and when am i supposed to get over you? if i keep indulging in whati enjoy?

i own says:

you're not allowed to enjoy getting over me?

wantherewant says:

i dont expect you to have answers but do you see what i face>

wantherewant says:

?

i own says:

cant stop on the way over to stay on top for a bit?

wantherewant says:

yes and as i have said before this is a bridge. and sometimes all i feel is mateship for you. and if we were to come to a point of 'would we'a agian, i'm really not sure whati would want

wantherewant says:

but right now - my feelings can get fvery fucked up

wantherewant says:

cos imnotover you

wantherewant says:

i would not get with anothre perosn out of respect for you

i own says:

i always wanna be able to feel your boobies, and i always want you to be able to play with my penis, unless we find other people of couse

wantherewant says:

if i did, i would feel bad in telling you and wouldn't be able to get with you anymore

wantherewant says:

and what if we dont cos we are enjoying each other's company too much?

i own says:

well if we are alreay having maximum ammount of fun what more can we ask of ourselves?

wantherewant says:

but what future is ther ein 'maxiumu amount of fun'?

wantherewant says:

a aprt from one where one of us gets hurt

wantherewant says:

or both

wantherewant says:

imnot trying to gues the future - but you werea very expensive peron to get over, very lengthy process and many tears

wantherewant says:

i dont want to go teher again anytime soon

wantherewant says:

i cant afford it

i own says:

in my experience it takes me years to find another girlfriend, so i dont forsee you getting hurt for a long time

wantherewant says:

and you?

wantherewant says:

and gemma isn't around as much to chai tea with me and my tears agian

i own says:

im sure i'll cope, but honestly i'm not sure. just dont fuck any more of my friends, i dont think i can take much more of that

wantherewant says:

not offence

wantherewant says:

but im not really attrcate dto any of your freinds

wantherewant says:

not my type

i own says:

excellent

wantherewant says:

and i think it would be awkward new yaers celebrations

wantherewant says:

by the way - i reckon i would like to meet gaynor

wantherewant says:

i hope the opportunit does presnet itself

i own says:

haha, whenever i go to poli's house and she's there, she hides upstairs

wantherewant says:

no way!

wantherewant says:

what if you stay theer all day?

i own says:

im not, they like each other so i try not to intrude. but she wont come down to say hi. pretty funny. she probably cant take the abusive i toll out

wantherewant says:

would you tollout absuive>

wantherewant says:

?

wantherewant says:

do you think you will getover it?

i own says:

over what? gaynor is an easy target

i own says:

if there is an easier mind to read it would be a potato

wantherewant says:

wow

wantherewant says:

i hope you donttalk about me that way

i own says:

you think i can see through you easy? i can read gaynor like a book, and im not a nice enough person to not use that against her

wantherewant says:

i think i dont try and cover mmy tracks. i think i make myself easy

wantherewant says:

no i emant gettingover the fact she is with poli. or are you over that already?

i own says:

i go to the point where i tell gaynor what she's thinking and point out the flaws in it

wantherewant says:

dont you do taht with everyone?

wantherewant says:

kidding

i own says:

no that's just uncomfortable, i dont think that'll ever go away

wantherewant says:

what if they got married?

i own says:

no with other people i give them a chance to at least say it

i own says:

that would be interesting

wantherewant says:

i think it mightbe

wantherewant says:

<B
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